Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.
~Brené Brown
2019 was Transformative year. It was year focused on doing my best to become the best version of myself. I had set intentions and goals for myself and I spent a lot of time ticking and checking off boxes and doing what was expected of me.
However, towards the end of 2019 I had an epiphany. This happened on one of my hikes along the way down. My knees were totally gone, and walking was a real effort. I remembered crying while descending the final hill. I was left to ponder, didn’t I “DO” everything right? Then why was this happening.
The past decade has been an arduous journey in getting to know myself, learning to say Yes to life and be as authentic as I possibly can, while also being unapologetic about it all. It occurred to me, in that moment, that while I was fighting to break glass ceilings and defy stereotypes, I wasn’t really being very authentic when it came to my core needs.
I realized at that moment, that while trying to be “me” I was actually fighting against an ideal that I had created for myself. An ideal that was very much based an image of a version of me that was simply not realistic.
So, for 2020, I have decided that I want to integrate more of being, and not just doing. I have been doing to be too many things this past year which led me to being less present.
In 2020 I want to put into practice more of what I know by discovering how I want to feel rather than what I need to do in the present moment.
I want to bring a sense of mindfulness in my daily practices, and slow down and focus on “being” rather than on any outcomes. I want to literally Pause and Experience 2020. Be my own Magician, and live with my truth, no matter what.
With 2020, a new decade begins…
I give myself permission to take breaks and rest when I need to. I’ve quit the Gym, and will take a break from Hiking as well.
I give myself permission to laugh, to loosen up and live guilt free. Sometimes, we are too bound by our cultural programming – things have to be done a certain way, life has to be lived in a certain way. It’s time to release these and take it easy. A little.
I give myself permission to play and feel the joy in every day. I had intended 2019 to be a year where I live Unapologetically. I painted when I could, sang when I could, read when I could, but it all came at an expense and then eventually got pushed to the back burner. This year, I am going to commit to doing one thing that I love EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I give myself permission to make mistakes. I’m human, and no I don’t have it all figured out. Life is all about learning from what works and what does not and to move forward from it all.
I give myself permission to be whatever body shape I like. This is a big one. Self-acceptance has been a real challenge for me. I’ve struggled all my life with trying to fit into a cultural mold. I just wanna be myself. Maybe genetically I was not designed to be a size zero. Fourteen is a good number. And besides, fourteen gets me up mountains, swimming 60 laps of a half Olympic pool, playing tennis and flexing in yoga! I think I am doing pretty well. I just have to watch what I eat (I love food) and keep moving.
I give myself permission to be imperfect and a work in progress. No one is perfect. So why should I stress myself out over being perfect. But everyday is an opportunity to be a better version of yourself.
I give myself permission to continue being a Creatrix of my reality and making shit happen. Whether it’s through making an impact or empowering others, or by pursuing the things that I enjoy doing, it’s time to own it. So show up and step into my power. No more lists, no more planning, no more doing. Instead creating the space to receive.
So here is to a very unique and special year.
Happy 2020!
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