It’s been two weeks since I started Therapy. We have had three sessions already and both my therapist (Nats) and I have begun to notice a change in patterns. I chose the word “patterns” deliberately because this is what we normally turn towards – repeated and familiar behavior patterns.
So, here is what I have been doing so far:
1 – S.W.O.T Analysis
Let us go back to the S.W.O.T analysis I was asked to do. This was by far one of the most difficult exercises that I have ever been asked to do. But I committed to giving it my 100% and being honest with myself about my Strengths as well as my Opportunities.
Weaknesses and threats come to one easily, and that’s why the focus was mostly about listing all things good and positive about me. The list turned out pretty impressive. Nats mentioned that this was the first time she had seen such an exhaustive list of strengths. And while going through the threats, she pulled out three which could easily be converted into opportunities.
One of the strengths which she pointed out I had left out was “Confidence” – this is something she noted I come out very strongly as. Anyone who would meet me for the first time would think I am a confident person.
So, the purpose of this was to understand and Highlight Who I Was. Really – all these strengths belonged to me – they make me who I am.
I AM: Kind, Sensitive, an Empath, Intelligent, Beautiful, Creative, Artistic, I see good in others, Honest, Patient, a Great Listener, Compassionate, Empowered, Enlightened………… – and therefore, I AM
So whenever I feel like I am short-changing myself I should remember who I am and my self-worth and move away from anything that threatens to bring this down.
2 – Letters to self
I still have not gotten around to working on this, but what I have started doing is writing letters to all those who do not serve a purpose in my life any more and need to be released.
The aim of the letters was to find closure and forgiveness and move on. When I put on paper all my feeling and thoughts about these people, I am in a way releasing these back to the universe. And I have made it a point to release them in love and light.
There are however THREE important letters I still need to write. One is to my unhealthy association with food (emotional eating). The Second is forgiving myself for all the mistakes and messes that I may have put myself into looking for a “fix”. And the last one is to HM. That is the hardest one because it will mean that I am 100% sure I want to end the association with him and break the pattern of going back and leaving again. I am 90% convinced that I do not want to go through what I have been through again, but the 10% is still holding to the emotional attachment that I has with this person.
I have decided to leave this for the very last moment when i am 100% certain I have dealt with all the emotions and anger and am ready to make a clean and clear break.
3 – Journaling
I had considered turning to on-line journaling but then maybe the content would be too bizarre for some to understand or digest. So I left it to writing it down. So far this has been going great. It’s like having a release of all the emotions and feeling and then just “Letting Go”. I had a break-down two days ago, but I decided that this was not worth the time journaling over. And so I made peace with the situation and let go.
4 – Books
As mentioned in my other blog posts, I have always had a close association with Books. It’s where I find the most deepest and meaningful life lessons to reflect and introspect on. I have to give credit to “Women who Love Too Much” for being the trigger to bring about this change. I finished reading the book last evening, and I was a whole different sensation – like someone actually telling me what to and how to go about it.
The ten-point recovery suggestions at the end of the book served as a perfect guideline on how to stay focused on self-recovery and to identify patterns when they appear.
Something that I have noticed in these two weeks is that I am beginning to set BOUNDARIES for myself – something I was never able to do before. So when people, situations, scenarios do not seem to resonate with me – I immediately disassociate with them WITHOUT thinking or worrying about the effect this would have on them.
Recent examples are deciding to stay away from a toxic relative who had nothing but the past family [sic] relationship to keep bringing up, and removing myself from my married high-school group of friend who had nothing better than to rant about their in-laws. I chose to get away from both situations as they were of no benefit or purpose to my higher being.
Earlier I would have just stuck around and tolerated all these things because I would be too concerned about what effect my actions would have rather than the effect they were actually having on me.
One of the Self-Recovery steps suggested in the book was to be Selfish. I understand the need for this. There is absolutely no point or purpose in self-sacrifice. If something does not make you happy, or challenges your boundaries, get rid of it – be it a situation or a person. Just walk away.
I was asked at the end of the session if I would consider going back to HM. The answer was No. No. No justification, no explanation. Just No. I have a feeling that once I am done with the Third Letter,it will be a closure and act of forgiveness for all that happened between us. Maybe in some part of the future, we may end up being the best of friend, who knows!
But until then, I want to walk this journey on my own, to grow, to Know Me!