Here’s something that I thought Id never do…
As mentioned in my last post, sometimes you go through situations in order to bring about change. One such change for me was was seeking help from therapy.
God knows if I really do actually really need therapy, or is it just a new way of creating drama in my like, “Oh! am seeing a Shrink!” (one of my fiends is actually upset with this). I know people may regard this as a grave thing, but putting it mildly, I’m “investing in myself”
So, as we have been programmed to believe that people who go for therapy are cuckoos in their heads – I am a whole different breed of cuckoo – it is actually not so bad. I actually manged to get a couple of-things under perspective and understand the “Whys” behind the “Hows”.
It felt quite awkward at first for me to open up to someone. I noticed there were several pauses in the conversation (we had our first session over the phone) and she had to constantly say, “Hello?” (Adelle now playing in my mind). I had no idea how to start talking and what to say. I remember asking her how this this works. Was I just meant to talk or was she going to be asking questions?. But that’s why they are known as “Therapists” – they know what to do.
So we began at the beginning – my childhood, growing up. We touched and then spent an uncomfortable amount of time on my relationships with my parent(s) and where it stands today.
I got two assignments (yaay,…. the best part). One was a S.W.O.T analysis on myself and the other was to try and be more assertive and less passive a.k.a stop strangling and choking myself internally to avoid confrontation.
Speaking of S.W.O.T, I remembered that when my partner, (ex partner) was in rehab, he was also given a S.W.O.T analysis exercise, and I recalled he had said I apeared as BOTH an opportunity and a threat. How Rude!!! Anyway, that was his journey and this is mine.
I have known for awhile that I have had some underlying issues which have shaped the way I am but like everything else in life, and from the first session, it was apparent why I make the choices I make in life. Unfortunately, I have lived most of my life as a reflection of how others perceived me while suppressing my own needs, beliefs and persona. As I became the “silent rebel” that I grew up to be, I led my life with a lot of resentment rather than joy for actually doing the things I enjoyed.
But hey, it’s never to late to fix yourself and sometimes we do need to go down the “uncomfortable” path or have those difficult conversation in order to get to the other side of the rainbow.
So, here I am. I don’t yet know what I am seeking to achieve by this new journey in my life, but I do know what I do not want – a life that is half lived. I don’t want to be stuck with relationships that are dysfunctional; that take instead of give. I don’t want to miss out on life just because I have to justify to someone why I felt like doing what I did. And I certainly do not want to keep on being the sacrificial goat in a situation just so that confrontation can be avoided.
So, here’s to me – for taking on this bold and formidable step of “fixing” myself…..
and I don’t look like Einstein and nor do I speak in codes….
Let’s do this!!!