They say it usually takes an event or an experience in life (or sometimes both) to steer you back on course.
Sometimes theses “events” and/or “experiences” are so drastic that they actually appear as tragedies in your life. But the truth is, no matter how loud or subtle the bang is, these are actually life-changing opportunities for us.
When we keep on repeating the same patterns or going on the same merry-go rides, we get addicted to the patterns that we create for ourselves, and the outcomes of these situations seem “normal”.
For instance, being stuck in an (I’m going to swallow my pride and actually say this out loud) dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic for three years brought me nothing but grief. Yes, we had some wonderful memories in between all the craziness, but it got to a point where the entire burden of keeping the relationship alive was on my shoulders. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically spent.
I realized my unhealthy association with this relationship came from some deep-rooted issues that I was trying to suppress by hanging on to an emotionally unavailable and abusive man.
So, when it came to the crunch, and things were getting rough I had to make a choice to keep sacrificing myself at the helm of this relationship, or to walk away.
Now if you know me, you probably think I’m calling it quits only to go back again to the same viscous cycle of abuse and breakup and make up.
Enter Book lying on bookshelf for 1.5 years: Women who Love Too Much – Robin Norwood
So, on one of those terrible days when I had an outburst with my significant other and decided to call it quits, I went home and found this book staring at me (like literally) .
Like any other curious book lover, I scanned the back of the book and then the contents and before I knew it, I was 100 pages deep. It was a manual of how dysfunctional my relationship had been. There were case studies in it that were similar to what I was (had been) going through and I guess that was the paradigm shift for me.
I could not believe how I was (un)consciously going through the exact patterns that were outlined in the book. The case studies had so many reflections of what I was experiencing and why. This particular paragraph from a case study of a lady in a similar relationship to mine is what hit home for me:
Do I really want to go through more of this? For how long? And Why?
Yesterday, after crying my eyeballs out at work and sending a whole sparrage of messages to him, stating my pain and anguish and getting no response, I decided I had to take a drastic step and “fix” things for myself. Otherwise, I would never be able to break free from this relationship.
I did something I never thought I would do. I called a therapist. I’ve closed all avenues of connection with him – and am taking the time to heel and renew myself.
Although I consciously chose to take on the experience this relationship had to offer not knowing what I was getting myself into, I came out burned beautifully. I know what I don’t want in a relationship and what I need to heel within.
As I choose to walk on this path towards a journey of self-recovery, I want to leave you with this: If you ever find yourself being short-changed in your relationship, stop and take stock. We are all wonderfully and beautifully made – never doubt this.
Love and Wisdom!
“The aching in my chest
isn’t because I miss you,
it’s realizing that you have
become someone I no longer know,
your fears, your 4 am thoughts,
are things I no longer have an equivalent to.
Who we were and who we are
are four different people,
and the me from now
doesn’t relate to the me from then,
let alone to the you from now.”
― Tanzy Sayadi,
Picture courtesy Alya Al-Harazi